The last few years after the arrival of covid, I’ve had a huge change of perspective about myself. I was working as an electrician for a large company. It is a male dominated industry and my place in particular had a lot of older workers. The majority of these men acted like ‘men.’ They made every attempt to show off their masculinity in any way possible. They would constantly one-up each other, crudely insult each other, make dick size jokes, talk about women in negative ways be it sublte or not, constant homophobia while at the same time making gay jokes with each other, belittle anyone below them (age, sex, hierarchy, apprentices, other trades), and expect others to blindly do as they say. There’s probably so much more I can’t even remember at the moment but that’s a quick glimpse into their mindset.
I’ve always been a very quiet person content with observing the world and letting others chose to interact with me. I’m also very open and tend to not judge people. I’m also not someone who doesn’t “look” or act like they belong in the trades. I have more of a lean body type and have a hard time gaining muscle mass. I never spoke about women in negative or sexual ways, don’t own a car, didn’t show off my money in material items, ummarried and childless. The amount of pressure on me to be more manly was annoying but tolerable in the beginning. Then it got old but I pushed through because I wanted an apprenticeship.
Then covid came and upended cultural norms overnight. People were told to do things for the safety of others. Part of being a ‘man’ is to not do what you are told (unless the boss is around!). Those who adapted to the new safety measures easily became targets. That meant I became an even bigger target. Suddenly every aspect of my life came under intense scrutiny. Riding a bicycle to work became a source of constant, daily bullying. Somehow covid reignited my marriage status and child free choices and that came under additional scrutiny by other ‘men.’ At one point someone kept insisting I take creatine pills in order to bulk up on muscle mass. It seemed like nothing about me was good enough for no sustantial reason at all.
As my mental health declined, my girlfriend at the time became distant and angry at me for being depressed. While she wouldn’t outright say it to me, she seemed to expect me to “man up” and just deal with it. That really hurt considering she knew just how much individality and being myself was important to me. It also felt like feminism was for her and not for me as well. Suddenly she wanted me to buy a car so I can fit in and stop complaining. I also had a hard time talking about lgbt+ topics with her because her tone towards me subtly shifted. It was as if she thought I was a closeted gay. This combined with how I was treated at work was mentally devastating for me.
After reaching my lowest, I decided to be the most annoying person possible. Fortunately I didn’t have to do much more since being me causes so much insecurity in people already. It also helps that I tend to appear emotionless so their words don’t have an outward, immediate affect on me, even if that shit is actually crushing me internally. I did start showing more defiance towards hostile leadership by pointing out their flaws which eventually lead to me getting fired. Oh well.
Between reaching my lowest point to now, a year after being fired that I changed how I view myself and gender. Suddenly masculinity, and by extension, femininity made no fucking sense. Not that it did make much sense before but now the idea is dead to me. Besides a few more tattoos, nothing about my appearance has changed. For medical reasons, I’m still a male. I just don’t care to identity as a man. While non-binary is a suitable term for myself, I still prefer to as simply a person. I feel it describes me as simple as possible. A being just like anyone else. Undivided by physical appearance, individuality or heirarchy. It feels more inclusive that way.
Maybe one day I’ll adopt the non-binary term but I’ve always been one to use simple and vague language. Terms and labels have often created more divide than discussion from my personal experiences and I do not like unnecessary confrontation. I also just really hate labels in all forms because I can’t remember the meaning of humanities’ infinity growing list of labels and ideologies.
I had a similar problem with my ex gf, but I’m a student that can’t work rn. She always wanted me to understand her problems and be there for her, but the opposite was non-existent. I could not complain, talk about my problems or even our problems because the conversation became a competition of who was worse, then she started talking about how men should be treating women and how I should put more emphasis in giving her all kind of details and pay for everything when she did nothing. I told her that generating money was the lower point on my list because I was struggling with my grades and needed to recover after a semester I took for my mental health.
Everything went downhill, all our conversations where about me not doing enough, the historical debt and how I should be doing things men do, even after I told her I was non-binary. That relationship affected my mental health A LOT, and it ended when she became an early stage physically abusive relation.
It took me some months to finally adopt the term, but I now carry it with pride and I always repeat that even if I use all pronouns, only being called he/him is something that needs to change.
Wow. Thanks for sharing!
I can empathize somewhat with that. I served in the U.S. Navy on a submarine(which was all-male at the time). Not ideal considering that I was a closeted trans woman. I only really enlisted because I desperately needed independence from my parents. But, yes, there was an entrenched macho culture there, and I had to hide enormous portions of my personality. Being autistic and trans, I am used to having to mask things to fit in, but I nearly hit a breaking point a few times. I spent six months on a deployment to the Middle East in which 90% of the time I was living on the boat 24/7, not getting to be myself except in my dreams. That plus the whole “never getting to see the sun” thing did a number on me. I am so glad that’s over, and I am so glad I decided to get over my fear and transition.
I think labels can be used situationally. Like if you were going to a social group for non-binary folk, the label “non-binary” could be one of solidarity and community. However, identifying as non-binary in the workplace would likely feel very different.
There’s a line that I like about statistical models that feels like it also applies to labels:
“All models are wrong, some are useful” - George Box
Non-binary doesn’t have to be the right label for you for it to be a useful label in understanding yourself and how you would like to relate to the world.
It sounds like you’re doing better than you were, and I hope you continue to grow in strength and wellness, and I wish you a future full of people who cherish your existence.
Yesssssss. Thank you for this.
I’ve been struggling with gender identity for a bit now.
On the fluid side I find it interesting/amusing they talk about days or weeks…
Frankly I’ll wake up and not really know what I feel like for a bit… causes a lot of dozy first thing confusion and frustration.
Heck in a conversation with my partner depending on mood I’ll flick between he, they and she … which can be extremely confusing for both of us.
Thanks, that was an interesting read. Especially the history part as it just shows how it’s not a new thing.
