I wasn’t pressured by my partner, but by my faith. I married someone who turned out to be a narcissist and abuser. Not exactly the fault of my faith, but it’s still hard to process. Especially when I still hear marriage being touted as the pinnacle of my existence.

It’s hard to parse when my parenting has been under siege this whole time, and I have one child who is bpd, a cutter, suicidal, and a liar. They are getting better, but I’m ashes at this point, with no desire to be with anyone who can’t be a partner to me. And that’s everyone. No one is going to want to partner with someone who has been in a largely invisible war for fifteen years. I’m hard, defeated, and strictly dedicated. Which isn’t exactly the sweet, supportive, feminine “helpmeet” men in my dating pool look for.

I’m just counting down the days until my oldest is 18 and responsible for themselves. Maybe then I can be a person again.