lemmy deleted my completely finished post right before posting so let’s try this again. I find it so annoying that I have to sugarcoat everything. I feel like I’m coddling people. I understand being polite to strangers, but it’s so annoying when my family, who knows I’m autistic, gets upset at my bluntness. I’ve explained multiple times that I’m not trying to be rude and I’m just trying to communicate in a way that works for me, but it doesn’t work. I just don’t understand why I have to say “hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? thank you:)” in some high pitched voice when I could just say, “can you not let the dogs tangle?” in a tone that conveys I’m serious. it’s so much easier when intentions are simply stated.
edit: I’m having trouble posting comments but thank you for all your responses! it’s helping me see things a bit easier, and I definitely have things I can work on now :)
another edit for clarity: my family and I have talked about my communication style. I’ve tried to find ways to meet them in the middle, as I want a compromise. they’ve been unsuccessful but I’m continuing to try. I want to be at a point where it’s not stressful and exhausting to talk to my family. this was more of just a vent post, as I was feeling really annoyed.
Your intention isn’t really in play in this situation imo. You behave in a certain way and people around you behave a certain way in reaction and so on. Usually when you need to explain that you didn’t intend to be hurtful or rude it’s accompanied by and I’ll do my best to learn from this and take a different approach next time. Why? Because it’s so common to hurt people unintentionally! You might think “why should I adapt to them” and the answer is just that those are the norms that exist where you live. As you’ve discovered, functioning outside those norms causes general discomfort for both parties (they feel hurt by the bluntness and you feel annoyed that they’re making something out of nothing). To eliminate the discomfort, you adhere to the norm. It’s also fine to refuse to adapt, but I think it’s nice to understand that that’s what you’re doing.
Of course, your family and friends should also understand (if you’ve spoken with them about it) that, given your brain anatomy (or whatever), you don’t share their instincts in some situations, so it’s a bit harder to learn the norms. For example, if staring doesn’t make you feel awkward, you might not instinctually avert your gaze when you find yourself staring like someone who feels awkward in that situation would.
Idk your life, but something practical you might consider is moving somewhere where niceties are less of a norm. They say Germans don’t like small talk! But a much easier option might be to just play along and add “would you mind” before things even if it feels stupid.
yeahhhh I’m fine with the norm in life outside of my family… but it’s also so tiring to do it constantly. I wish they would understand and try and find something that works for us all like I do. none of us should have to go through the day dreading the next interaction. but I also don’t want to upset people, and I get people find it off-putting. I just wish there was an easy way to make it all work together, since I spend all the time outside of my house following norms. also yes! I loved it when I went to Europe, I found communicating with people in the countries I’ve visited there much easier than in America