Holy shit this became a stream-of-consciousness jumbled collection of nothingness

Genuinely, the most basic shit that I never really had problems with— the slightest details regarding my responses when someone texts me, the barely noticeable aspects about myself in public, whether I’m saying too much/too little, whether I’m responding appropriately, etc. So as a result, I choose to stay within my comfort zone as much as possible because anything else is mentally destructive. But then that doesn’t work because I get my energy from talking with other people who are similar to me :/ (Shared this shit with my therapist and he asked me if I have considered autism which of course I have)

Idk I think it started to get bad when I started to go out into the world again when society at large decided there was no longer a pandemic (there is btw). I decided to go out into the world as a young adult having had very little of a social life in college and experienced rejection after rejection, be it romantic or when trying to make friends. So maybe I never really learned to process those emotions appropriately.

Maybe all of this will be solved when I can learn to stop being a pushover/people pleaser. Or maybe I just suck at communicating and/or am utter shit at kindling friendships/potential relationships who knows

One example that sticks out in my mind- I have a friend who I occasionally hang out with (not a very close one I’d say). But I will ask them if they want to grab a beer once in awhile, they’ll oblige and I’ll ask them what time works best for them. Idk if this is the middle school/teenage part of me, but I refuse to follow-up with people (double text) because I don’t want to be a burden. But then this friend will respond weeks later and profusely apologize for not responding. But like I could’ve prevented that by just following up with them, I don’t know what it is in me that refuses to do so though but I just cannot.