Sometimes. I am what many would describe as anhedonic. Other people are far more emotionally in-tune compared to I am. But at the same time, I know what feeling is “supposed” to be there. I can feel the ghost of the emotion that a moment would call for. And I feel bad about that.

Here is an example. I go out to eat and to do things with people. I am aware of what everyone anticipates emotionally, but here I am looking around simply waiting for Moment A to become Moment B. What everyone calls a good meal and the embodiment of a good sensation, I feel as a chore, something to chew and swallow one bite at a time, one gulp at a time, one plate at a time, all measured in time units as blank as the sensation as the lumps drop into me. All the while, a concert sings, but my mind is wandering far away from the concert, with my only relevant thoughts about it being “so are songs just songs”. And after we eat, we look out the window and see a supposedly majestic sky view, but someone turns to me and asks “that was worth every hundred dollar bill, wasn’t tonight fun, and to finish it off with this nice view outside” and what was once a lack of strong interest becomes a negative feeling as I feel sad for the other person for not having succeeded in making someone’s night happy, so I nonverbally gesture a nod that’s only semi-affirmative so that I don’t end up being deceptive. And I ask myself if I’m simply an echo of myself.

I have been dealing with possibly having cancer for the last 4 months. After my 3rd biopsy they’re saying it isn’t. They’re still not sure what it is. But I feel so guilty for bringing my friends down with me only to tell them that it’s not life threatening like we thought.

Absolutely. I often feel “guilty” in a way of being depressed because I think to myself that I have no or not enough reasons to to be depressed. I know logically that’s not how depression works, but it still can put me in moods that I have to work to get out of

This is kind of my default state.

Constantly.

One of the worst things about depression is all the sneaky ways in which it reinforces itself. You can’t function at full capacity, which is a direct problem, but also makes you feel lazy. You sometimes don’t have the energy to deal with people, which isolates you and makes you feel like you’re offending them. You just plain feel awful and feel guilty about inflicting it on the people around you. It seems like everything hits you twice.

Therapy can help with both aspects, but I think it is particularly useful in helping you recognize and deal with the secondary parts of the problem.

Yes, when I feel bad, I inadvertently pull the mood of my loved ones down with me. That is not desired. It makes me feel worse. Not much I can do about it, other than hide my feelings, which would make me feel bad. The is probably a pretty common experience.

You mean like feeling bad about stupid things you’ve done (that most likely weren’t that stupid or embarrassing) and then feeling bad because you always feel bad about those things when normal people probably don’t? Yuh.

Yes, but usually it only happens because something that shouldn’t have caused a negative reaction, does.

Do you mean in the sense of say missing a concert because you got sick? Or is it something more contorted like feeling sympathy for someone and then regretting it?

All the time. My life has been pretty good when it comes to external circumstances, but I have a severe lifelong mood disorder.

So I’m constantly feeling bad and there’s never any ‘reason’.

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Just called out sick for the rest of the week. No I don’t feel bad. I feel like I’ve been impaled on a spike and I’m loaded on dilaudid (Hydromorphone).

yes

I can’t remember the last time I felt bad, my default emotional state is either “chilling” or a near perpetual state of effervescence