We are inundated by so many external moving images, advertising unfortunately being the most pervasive, that it is near impossible to know on what to spend 90 minutes of your limited time in this plane of existence. In our quest to enrich of your cinematic culture(!), this is the first of an ongoing series of viewing (minimum) the first ten minutes of any given film and judging if it’s worth watching any further. Hit or Miss in 10 minutes. Red pill or blue pill, swipe right or left. You are all cordially invited to participate.

Today’s film is Alta Vista (2020), written and directed by Joe Clarke, starring Joe Clarke, Stacey Scowley, Tanika ‘Tea’ Vickers. Clarke wins today’s Marv Newland Triple Crown Award.

Ten minute analysis (real time: 00:15:30)
Summary: protagonist sad sack Joe’s father has passed away. He needs a fresh outlook in life and packs in his Iowan reefer fog to pursue his dream as a filmmaker in Hollywood…or maybe just to sample the drugs out there.

• The opening credits—yes, the opening credits—are just so wrong. They are just too…friendly for the immediate feel of the movie^[1]. Most likely done by someone who just didn’t care.
• Cameraperson either suffers from Parkinson’s or is drinking their breakfast. Either that or the post artist is heavy handed in his AE Wiggle settings.
• Blade Runner Memorial Award: Narration. Worse yet, mumbled narration. Even worse, narration tries to cover up for flabby storytelling. Alibaba USB Audio Award: There is a clear-cut difference in audio quality between the narration and the diegetic audio.
• Stiff acting.
• Continuity: where was the sister, who is introduced in the next scene, at the funeral? No reason is even intimated.

And our hero Joe is on the road to Hollywood. Do I care? Honestly, no. Joe, in any of his roles as director nor screenwriter nor actor, hasn’t given me one reason to. In fifteen minutes this film doesn’t know what it wants to be. Next!

Do you think I missed an undiscovered cinematic gem? You tell me; that’s what the comments are for!