«I-know-all anti-Catholic: “Christmas? But Christmas, like Easter, like all your other holidays were pagan celebrations! Don’t tell me you don’t know?”
As I am about to upload the historical-philological broadside on the original authenticity of Christmas, I pause for a moment, reasoning. No, not this time.
I take a breath and…
Me: “That’s right. We got them all. And if you keep complaining, we’ll also take Spring Break, OktoberFest and the Furniture Show.”
I.k.a.a.c: “Ahah! Then you admit it… Wait, what?”
Me: “You got it, smartass. We’re a bit rusty, but you said it yourself: for centuries we appropriated all that barbaric junk and turned it into traditions thousands of years old and beyond, shaping Western civilization on the necropolises of antiquity. Not one has been saved, not one that has survived Christian reinterpretation: Romans, Greeks, Germans, Celts, Slavs… It’s all our stuff. And those would slaughter us in the arena or eviscerate our evangelizers! You people slaves of consumerism complaining on Threads think you’re a challenge?”
I.k.a.a.c: “But what do you think…”
Me: “We’re already the main promoters of that environmentalist Earth Day trinket, it would take us two seconds to move our Day for the Care and Custody of Creation from September to April. Wanna bet?”
I.k.a.a.c: “You can’t…”
Me: “Too late, my friend, you lost Black Friday, we are already making selections for the Saint Donor who will supplant it.”
I.k.a.a.c: “But what…”
Me: “Oh, yeah. And say goodbye to Pride Month, we’re already re-organizing Corpus Christi month, with permanent Eucharistic adoration of reparation from rainbow things. Oh, and your mother has given her availability for the general secretariat!”
I.k.a.a.c: “Leave my mother alone…”
Me: “And listen, do you like Shark Week? We just need a companion devotion to the Assumption, and we’ve left Stella Maris on hold for a while.”
Yes, in my opinion we should start doing that again.»