I’ve had a ‘passion’ for programming for all my life, but recently I’ve been getting into a very, very emotional state over stuff like tooling and small things like that. The smallest things make me go off these days, and I feel so tired after every discussion. Feeling like I am in the wrong or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I wish I could just make it all go away or somehow be happy or succeed some day. I never will tho
Neurodivergent data architect here. It is possible to be happy or to succeed, but you’re gonna have to learn a skill and practice it forever. Which is limiting how much energy you put into any one thing. You’ll have to pick your battles. Especially when it comes to group projects (which all programming for other people is going to be).
You’re going to be particular about stuff. Sometimes you’ll be right, sometimes you’ll be wrong. Either way you’ll learn a lot of stuff and probably regret most of what you’ve done a week after the project is complete.
Have some hard rules. Know what hills you want to die on. For example: I will never work with oracle, mongodb, or firebase again. There are far better tools (ex: postgres, couchbase). Learn to let other stuff slide. And know when you’re too burned out and it’s time to bounce to another job.
I understand where you’re coming from but it’s just so frustrating to have others point out my mistakes in speech instead of actually listening to what I’m talking about… Or even worse making weird arguments and laughing at me when I ask for clarification… I hate it all I want to make the awful emotions stop
Yeah that sounds like a toxic work environment. I’d suggest getting out of that situation. I’m not sure how old you are, but I didn’t totally figure myself out until about 29. Took a while to learn how I can work with my brain better. What flavor of neurodivergent are you?
ADHD + Aspergers :/
Sadly can’t really get out as I do OSS work and have to argue with people in OSS projects
And yeah I’m still figuring myself out, being 18 never really fixed anything and I feel awful about my past even though I’ve succeded a lot according to my peers…
I can’t really satisfy myself and just work work work work and work
That pit inside you won’t be filled by accomplishments, at least it wasn’t for me. The only peace I found was by accepting I’ll always feel that pit, and that I don’t need to try and fill it. The pit is an illusion, you are already valid!
Yeah I’m on the Aspergers side of things too (don’t think they even call it that anymore). It feels like stuff is really intense now and that’s normal, cause you’re 18. Your brain won’t be done growing for another 7 years and it’s still freaking out.
I’d highly recommend finding some meditation that works for you. That might be a traditional meditation or yoga. Or it might be archery, or motocross, or longboarding, or swimming, or pretty much anything that requires intense focus. It makes a big difference.
I thought I knew a lot at 18, and some of my code from back then was pretty clever. But at this point (35 now) I would be unhappy with every single line of it. There is a whole lot out there to learn and know. Hopefully you can find a way to look forward to it.
edit: Maybe give “Nerdy Shy and Socially Inappropriate” or “The Autistic Brain” books a read.