CommunistBear [he/him]

This week has been a mixed bag for me. I had a few days where I didn’t drink at all. I also had a few days where I started drinking basically as soon as I woke up and didn’t stop until I fell asleep. Falling off the wagon is difficult because all of my worst habits feel like they got dialed up an extra notch or two. I’ve been entertaining the idea of smoking weed again to stop drinking but I can’t tell if I’m just deluding myself to start smoking weed again after ~8 months. On one hand, when I smoke I don’t drink anymore and I’m genuinely worried that I need the assistance. On the other hand, is this just falling off the wagon v2? I guess I’ll see how well I do this week to know if I need the help or not.

On a positive note: I’ve been lifting more. I often forget how strong I actually am. Turns out having a physically demanding job just naturally builds muscle over time. I weighed myself at 195 the other day, which is the most I’ve literally ever weighed. Most of my gains are probably liquor weight and cooking at home more. But I still have a 4 pack bordering on a 6? I still have cum gutters? I just need to get my shit together on the drinking and keep lifting and I’ll be my goal of a Communist himbo.

That would cause GDP to go down. And we all know line can NEVER go down

This week was pretty good. While not fully back on the wagon I was pretty limited with my drinking. No more starting at 7am and continuing on all day. I didn’t drink at all a few days and then only drank in social settings in the times I did drink.

I helped a friend of mine film a movie. The process was really interesting to see in person. I would love to do more stuff like that since interacting with so many new people was really good for my brain.

I also started lifting again this week. My legs are currently jello from squatting. On top of being bigger and stronger in a general sense, one of my goals is to have a thick, dump truck of an ass just to frustrate the various hetero women and gay men in my life. This is endlessly funny to me

Every day I wish there was a place that was willing to take me so I could gtfo of this place

Turns out getting back on the wagon when your heart isn’t in it is harder than I thought. I bought a fifth of rum and drank it in 2 days. Life is just kind of miserable and this little bit of escapism helps in a way I need it to. I need to make a whole bunch of changes before not drinking becomes a serious option for the long term and I fear those changes are harder than I can manage. Seeing the absolute depravity of the world and being completely helpless to do anything productive about it sure as fuck doesn’t help either. Shit is hard and I just wish I had a reasonable path towards a better future

When does a man truly die? When he is forgotten. israel has ensured that he will never truly die and those that come after will carry on his will

Today is day one of not drinking again. I drank something like 3 liters in a week or so and my insides started hurting. I drank so much that in the maybe week and a half that I was drinking again I put on 9-10 lbs. I really need to figure out why I drink so hard when I do drink because if it’s not alcohol it’s something else. Or, as my 6 months of sobriety showed, eventually the same reason I drank to begin with reared it’s ugly head again and I’m into another bender.

The only thing I’ve managed to be consistent with is not missing a day riding my motorcycle. Through rain and shine, hot and now cold I keep riding. There’s something weirdly appealing about riding in shitty conditions. And now that it’s getting cold out, I’ve been getting a lot of cold rides in.

Well shit, I forgot about that

But if they 25th Biden, then Kamala can’t serve her anointed 2 terms as president

it’s his turn

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted in one of these threads. After a sustained few weeks of increasingly worse mental health I fell off the wagon and fell off hard. I have been drunk every day for the past week and a half or so. I don’t even really feel that bad about it tbh. In total, I went just about 6 months without drinking. My fall back into drinking happened pretty quick. On a particularly shitty day I saw a bottle that was kept around and decided “fuck it” and had 3 shots in quick succession. From that point on I quickly fell back into my old drinking habits. I know I should get back on the wagon sooner than later but I’m probably gonna indulge myself a bit before drying out again. It feels like the only thing in my life that I get to decide is my own drinking and as a result, when I’m feeling increasingly hopeless and out of control of my own life, drinking feels like a way I can have agency for once. I know it’s a poor coping mechanism but it feels like the only one that I can have right now.

Bret Stevens

Opinion immediately discarded

Mood music for today: Unite - LGBT

“No”

Yeah I volunteer to go do small scale distilling work in rural villages that are having an bumper crop of fruits or grains

September has not been great for me. This is probably the worst my mental health has been in a while. I’m in my “I want to run away and start over somewhere new” phase that I know is an impossibility. I wish I had an actionable plan to get my shit together and improve my life but it feels like so many avenues are just cut off for me. I feel like I have no agency in my own life. I don’t get to do what I want on a day to day basis and, largely speaking, I don’t know what the fuck I want to do because I so rarely have any agency that it feels like that part of my brain is atrophying away.