“On the roof, it’s peaceful as can be, and there the world below don’t bother me…”

It’ll be less than a ton by the time they make it back to shore.

Bold of you to assume that it’s only when I’m peeing.

If only there were some way to prevent this…

Whenever I see “Florida man…” I think it can’t be any worse than the last one, and every time I’m proven wrong.

“The ability to speak doesn’t make you intelligent.”

Every time I open the fridge and see Sweet Baby Ray’s I have to fight the urge not to squirt some directly into my mouth. Does that count?

If she’d been with Larry David she would have at least had some edible underwear for sustenance.

“ I was misdirected cause the interchange never intersected leaving me marooned beneath a bloodshot moon.”

Took me a second to figure out what you were referring to and then legit lol so thanks!

Meanwhile, I just want to watch that bizarre video of Kim at the volleyball game again. Drugs aren’t necessary with things like that at our disposal.

That’s what they want. Live your life to the fullest just to spite these motherfuckers.

I didn’t even have to check to see if he’s Bill Pullman’s son. It would be pretty funny to see Bill Pullman Jr and Kurt Russell Jr sharing the screen together.

But when is Burrito BOWL season?

“These men are MINE!!”

“…and NO dessert until you eat all your broccoli!!”

I actually had this on my 2024 Bingo Card.

He was chasing them with cocaine.

I think I’ll test this thought by using Sweet Baby Ray’s for my stir fry beef tomorrow.

Back when I lived there, the saying was “the rest of the US hates Texas, and the rest of Texas hates Austin”. Probably at least partially explained why it was so entertaining there.