Seeing it again yeah lol

For me a lot of meltdowns feel like spiraling. Unable to communicate how I feel, feeling alone/separated, racing thoughts that run the gamete from anxious to depressing. Typically I want to reach out and connect to someone but I can’t and that makes it worse somehow. It’s scary to deal with especially as a lot of it feels so irrational yet it has a real impact.

I get this, but in my feet. Just have to rub the bottom of my foot on something and hope for the best. Suuuuucks.

Always over explain. Then apologize for over explaining. Have to give contest to everything so the explanation makes more sense.

Nice debunked conspiracy theories pushed by the GOP to vilify the ‘other’. I’d say try harder but you’re clearly a tool of the fascists.

No experience with that book, but a lot of literature has autistim coded characters. Lot, well sort of, debate in the Warhammer 40k communities about a fair number of autism coded characters there. I can’t remember who all they’ve said since I avoid a lot of the conversations but if I remember right a fair number of Space Marines, and their ‘traitor’ brethren are ‘autistic’.

Reanimation is soooo good. Still have my original copy of Hybrid Theory and it’s great, but the edits on Reanimation just work really well. Meteora is good though their constant experimentation can make some stinkers.

Started off feeling really strong, but found myself dropping a lot of stuff. On the fence about Dedede Demons since it feels like it could be interesting or just boring bait. This season of Yuru Camp /_\ has been good. Not as strong as S1 but much more fun than S2. 7th Prince toes a line but has been fun. Jellyfish Can’t Swim is really good though maybe one or two clunky episodes. Re:Monster started off interesting but by episode 2 or 3 it was clearly an edgy self insert desire fest built on rape and ‘hur hur me MC’, so… fuck that show.

I’ve watched maybe 60 to 70% of what has aired this season and it’s been an okay season anime. Some surprises and returns to excellence (Sound! being back was nice). But also a lot of unmemorable shows that hovered around a 5 or 6.

As someone who has matched this description, still do but in different ways, forcing your idea of ‘normal’ on them isn’t going to help them. It’s more to make yourself feel better.

Life sucks. It’s not your choice how they cope with the suck. Also that you think they’ll just be able to start going on dates or whatever is laughable to me. But that’s me. I empathize with your roommate in so many ways and fully hope they pack their stuff and leave instead of putting up with your ‘good intentions’.

Sorry you feel like I’m arguing with them. But people telling me to ‘go see a doctor’ when I’ve already said I don’t have any money isn’t helpful. I’m also not going into every single fine detail of my health here so a lot of the suggestions are just not going to work. Also people keep saying ‘be positive’ or whatever and I can’t make people see what I’ve said (since it was all stuff in guild/clan discords), but I’ve done the ‘positive’ thing and it ended up the same way. Though usually the positive thing ended with me feeling more alone. So yeah I’m sorry that all of the ‘long thought out helpful advice’ isn’t really helpful to me. I was ‘arguing’ with people who were clearly not reading my original post when they jumped straight to ‘go spend money on a doctor/therapist’.

Dunno. If something is going, say an event is coming up, I’d say ‘hey anyone want to group up and do this? We can schedule a day/time even!’ and literally no one would engage with it. So it was a lot of just talking to myself.

Hah!

That’s true. I’ve terrible experiences irl too. When I joined an LGBTQIA+ group at school they ostersiced me for saying that I personally had no issue talking to someone who had questions about the communities I fell into. Like that was a terrible thing to them so they shunned me. It was so funny because we had a room you could go to to hang out/study/chill in and when I’d walk in they’d all get up and leave. Other times I’ve just been furniture for the group. Like they say ‘we want you here/we like you being here’ but when I’d try to engage they’d just shut down. Now with COVID and no place to even try to find friends I gave up. I’m in too much pain and can’t afford to go do things so yeah.

Putting up a wall isn’t something I do typically. Basically when I go into a group or whatever I am myself because I can’t really hide behind a fake persona or whatever anymore (for a number of reasons, not important here). When I’ve tried to be the person others expect they walk all over me or use me then toss me away. When I’m myself they reject me. So if I have a wall up it’s not very high and definitely doesn’t stay up. So I guess I don’t get it. I try so hard and it always ends the same either way.

I don’t have insurance because it costs $600 a month. So again that’s not an option. Gaming addiction? These are my current fixations that bring some tiny joy in this miserable existence so I’m not sure how that is considered ‘addiction’, especially in an autistic community. Also wasn’t really looking for help. Just being seen/heard/understood is more than I get anywhere so I thought I could post here. Sorry if that was wrong.

I had talked to them about how I come off as negative but don’t mean it thar way. They said I was good and to not stress it. So I was just beint me and tonight I get a ‘you’re being negative and we don’t want that in our community’. So even being real with them and talking to them about this it wasn’t good enough.

I can’t afford to see a therapist. I mentioned this in my post. I live in constant physical pain and mental pain layered over everything else. So not sure what to tell you.

You mentioned being lighter about stuff. When I talk about the only things that give me some good people think I’m too intense. If I try to tone that down then they say I’m vanishing or something. I can’t win either way.

I’d talked with the leadership about how I’ve been considered negative in the past. Even pointing out that I’m not necessarily being negative but usually hard on myself or commenting how a change felt bad or good. But it always goes the same way.

Also I really doubt anyone gives a crap. I’m 39 and alone with one friend online, but she’s got kids and a life. When I talk about the stuff I like people think I’m being negative even if I say nice things.

Brain Cool Ranch edition.

By forcing myself to do something if it’s something I can do. Basically this only works with video games since no matter how hard I try I can’t apply it to a job, relationship, being a functional human being.