Gonna start by saying I am super nervous even posting this. It is one thing to even admit things to myself in my head let alone reach out on the internet. Hopefully it is okay to post this here.
I guess I am trying to figure out if I might be trans (Or partly trans, though I guess that would still count.)
Little basic info is early 30s male, big guy.
I am pretty sure attraction and gender are seperate but related. My preferred, gonna call it, entertainment material has transfem models. I have the thought along the lines of I wish I had a body like hers fairly often. And when I see women in public, in some dresses and skirts, I have started admitting to myself that I am kind of jealous that they can wear that and I can’t.
I have also wondered/fantasized about having breasts.
I will admit that I do crossdress bottom half only, but only privately.
I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.
I created this alt just so I could more comfortably engage in this community, but I am still kind of freaking myself out and really worried I am just spamming where I shouldn’t be.
Sorry for being so scrambled with my thoughts. So trying to come back to a point for making this post, am I possibly in the closet trans? Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?
Thanks
(Even up to this point I am still thinking about not posting this. I am kind of scared of someone figuring out who I am making this post. It just seems easier to just go on keeping this all my just my head.)
Morning after post edit:
Thanks everyone for your comments. They are helping me wake up a bit. My stupid brain wouldn’t let me sleep last night. Probably got a little over an hour of sleep. I swear I was trying really hard to sleep, I just couldn’t stop running hypothetical situations in my head. Surprisingly not anything negative though.
Edit 2: I may not be replying to all, but I assure you that I am reading.
2.5 days after post edit:
Maybe I should do this as a reply to myself, but I will just write here.
All this has been on my mind since posting. It is honestly a LOT to process. I am absolutely not sure where I will go in the long term, but I am think of coming out to my brother and my best friend. I am pretty much certain my brother will be supportive. I am also pretty confident in my friend. Though, I honestly think after some serious awkwardness things may work out. 🤞
All the contemplation has brought me to my current guess that I am trans, likely non-binary and femme. It is still a bit weird to admit to even myself, but it is what is and I am who I am.
I do wonder if one day I would go the HRT route, but definitely no surgery. Too scared of that a I am pretty sure I don’t need it. I have no issues with having male bits, honestly I am rather fond of the guy. We have practically been attached together my whole life. 😋 (Sorry, I like to make stupid jokes to lighten the mood.)
What I (pretty sure) want is to be feminine and have breast. I decided to start a personal journal yesterday, and I wrote the line “I want breasts” and stared at at for a bit. The line just felt right.
I already had secretly bought some femme clothing (mostly lower body) but I also ordered myself another skirt (hopefully fits tight enough since I want to wear it at my hips and not waist), some peelable nail polish (want to be able to take it off easily), and some clip on earrings.
Thinking about my possible future is scary as hell, but it also makes me excited for who I might be.
Okay, that is my rambling. Sending love to everyone who took the time to reply to me. 😘
(I am also trying to be more expressive online with emotes.)
P.s. Still cis though (jk)
Hey, so I just want to give my perspective as someone who’s a cis woman and bisexual.
I think that most cis people don’t feel jealous of people of the other gender, or wish they had physical features associated with another gender. That might mean you’re trans, but it might not. It’s okay to not be sure. It’s okay to “try on” a label, in a safe space and identify a certain way, and then decide “no, that doesn’t fit me”. We’re here to be this space.
There’s a lot I could say here that I’m sure someone else has said better, but something I wanted to highlight is when you said “I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.” Transness may seem to be shaped by gender dysphoria, and whilst I understand why feeling dysphoric is an important part of many trans people’s experiences, I think it is too easy to slip into a trap of “oh, I guess I could live like this” and resign oneself to misery. However, there’s nothing quite so beautiful as seeing a person experience gender euphoria, whether they’re trans or not. I want you to lead the best life you can, and I hope you are able to be supported in finding out what that means for you.
You don’t need to have any answers or labels that fit right now, or ever. Whatever your gender identity or sexuality though, you are welcome here.
Well. Damn. This helped me out, thanks.
Hey, you’re welcome here - so don’t worry about that.
No one can tell you who they are, but we can absolutely share and try help you along in that process. Lots of what you’ve described is pretty common for lots of trans folks, for sure. I spent a long time going back and forth and questioning myself a lot, and a big barrier for me was being really worried about what it would be like to be trans, and how hard it would be - and while it’s been challenging at times, my life is so much richer and more full for it.
All i can recommend is continuing to have an open mind - if you’re comfortable with asking this of yourself, and comfortable seeking out and learning more, that will help guide you on the way - and even if it turns out you’re not trans, at least you’ll have learnt a lot along the way!
While I get the feeling that, at this point, the suggestion “talk to a therapist that specializes in gender identity” would be met with a bunch of trepidation, that’s probably going to be the most conclusive action you could take.
In the mean time, I would suggest reading some memoirs written by trans people to see how much you identify with their pre-transition experiences. She’s Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan is a classic one, but there are many you could read.
Everything you’ve said so far are hints that you might be trans, but as an internet stranger I’m not qualified to “diagnose” you. You could be something only halfway to trans (whatever that means) and an actual licensed therapist is going to be best equipped to help you figure it out.
In either case, have fun figuring out who you really want to be! Nothing is better than being allowed to be comfortable as yourself!
You are allowed to be a guy who wants breasts and to wear feminine clothing. Pronouns, clothes, and appearance don’t all need to “match”
Yeah, you gotta just try stuff out and see how you feel about it. If you have VR you can try out having breasts without committing to anything. Hard to try out bottom surgery though lol (still can’t decide on phallus preserving or traditional and I’ve been going between the two for literally years).
I used to think I was some flavor of nonbinary but as I moved more and more feminine I realized that I’m actually extremely feminine and really don’t like any nonbinary presentations at all. Obviously it’s different for everyone so you gotta try stuff out and see what you like. I hear many nonbinary people do the reverse - where they go far from their AGAB at first and decide later that there are a few aspects of the new gender that they don’t like. Enbies feel free to weigh in.
Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?
I would suggest not focusing on labels, but rather actions. Labels are tools, not boxes.
Do you want to dress differently? Try different a name or pronouns? Take HRT? How does thinking about these questions make you feel?
https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ may also be useful. I’d also suggest looking up the term “gender envy”.
+1 on reading genderdysphoria.fyi, it helped me immensely when I was still questioning my gender.
I won’t go too in depth in my reply, but I will highlight to you that most people don’t “endure” being their gender, and they don’t worry about regretting not being themselves.
I think it’s safe to say though that the persona you present to the world isn’t a complete reflection of who you really are.
All of that being said, I can’t tell you who you are, and you may not even be able to do that yourself yet. But you can give yourself permission to find those answers, and I think you’re making a good start to that part :)
Hi friend!
I see a lot of my younger self in your post, if that helps at all.
I came out in my late 30’s, after living life relatively comfortably as a guy (at least by outward appearances. By the time I came out I was starting to be a bit of a wreck inside.)
There were similar feelings and thoughts to what you describe. Often looking at women and thinking “goddamn, why do they get to look so pretty and I’m stuck like this?” or wishing I could have the same kind of fashion choices available that they do. I didn’t spend any time watching trans porn content, but I did a lot of reading of transformation erotica. The idea of something or someone sort of “forcing” that transformation from a guy to a girl, and them having to learn to live with it (and secretly finding out they love it) was like crack to me. After a while, it wasn’t even the smutty parts I was looking for – they were fun, but I’d often skip over them to get to the next bit of plot so I could get that vicarious thrill.
By all outward appearances, I was a happy, regular dude – a relatively successful one at that. I was married, had a dog and a house and a good relationship with my parents and a decent job and group of friends. And I could have probably kept living that way for longer, if I had to. But it ate me up inside. Once I had the thoughts you’re having now, it got worse for me; I realized that what I was dealing with might be gender-related and might be dysphoria.
I pushed it away then. I thought “I can’t have that, I’d lose everything I care about, all that stuff I worked so hard for.” I stuffed it down and pretended I didn’t feel it and, for a time, it went away. At first those feelings went away, for months even. But eventually, they came back, and when they did, I’d struggle with them. I’d get down in the dumps for a day or two before I could push it back down and away again. Turns out that it was a repeating cycle for me, each time they’d come back more quickly, and each time the feelings would hit me harder and stronger and I’d be stuck with them for longer before I could finally dispel them. The last time it did that I was depressed for a month or more, to the point that my wife started seriously worrying and told me that she felt almost like she didn’t know who I was anymore, that she couldn’t recognize what I was thinking or feeling and she was scared.
A week or two later I came out to her as maybe non-binary or genderfluid. Another week or two later I started therapy. Within a month, I’d accepted that yes, I’m trans, and I need to transition if I want a shot at being happy.
Sorry, I’m rambling a bit. What I’m trying to say is don’t let it get as far along as I did. You’re having these thoughts and questions, they’re okay to have. This isn’t something to feel shameful about. Seek out a good therapist that specializes in gender identity, and talk to them about it. Maybe try new pronouns out in a small, safe group. Explore, and see what feels right for you. You’ll be okay. :)
but I did a lot of reading of transformation erotica. The idea of something or someone sort of “forcing” that transformation from a guy to a girl, and them having to learn to live with it (and secretly finding out they love it) was like crack to me.
That actually hits for me too. I have never been one for reading books, so I do have a preference for comic form.
An no worries for any rambling, I felt my post was kind of all over while yours is well written and easy to follow.
I appreciate you sharing.
Edit: I have actually thought about something from my past. I think it may have been the first time any potential trans thoughts I might have had. (WAY before I would have ever known anything about trans people.)
I remember being kind of fascinated by a TV episode where a guy was transformed into a woman. I am pretty sure after being changed they went and did stuff with maybe their wife. Pretty sure this included bikini waxes. I so wish I could remember what show it was.
This would have been before puberty, so I don’t think sexual desire would have been a major factor. So I believe it was more of a social desire? Not really sure how I should say that.
Anyway, there is another ramble for the conversation. Xp
No worries, I was picking up what you’re saying just fine :)
Also, just because there’s a sexual aspect to these thoughts doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a chaser or it’s a fetish. A good exercise might be to ask yourself if you’d prefer to be a woman in mundane, non-sexual situations. How does it sound to be a woman doing her taxes, or a woman arguing with the phone company, or a woman commuting to work, for example.
I do want to say, just because I see some of your story in mine doesn’t necessarily mean you’re trans. It doesn’t mean anything other than I can relate to what you’ve said so far. The best thing you can do is continue to reflect, and maybe seek outside help in the form of therapy to help you work through these feelings and decide what to do next. A therapist won’t (shouldn’t, at least) tell you if you’re trans or not, but they can help you examine these thoughts and feelings and hopefully give you some clarity so you can decide what, if anything, is your next step.
As a warning, I do feel that there’s a bit of a pushiness within the trans communities, and certainly it’s not something I’m immune to. We see someone who sounds like our younger eggy selves, and we think “I can help them!” In our eagerness to help someone the way that we might not have had help, we could potentially end up pushing someone towards something that’s not right for them. It’s why I strongly recommend therapy – a therapist should be more impartial, and help you draw your own conclusions instead of coming in with their own bias. So please, take what you read here with the understanding that in the end, you’re the only person who can truly know what your identity is.
Oh, sounds a little bit like me.
I am genderqueer/nonbinary. Specifically, my gender identity tends to fluctuate between agender and female. I am “comfortable living life as a woman”, but I often look at more androgynous folk and wonder: “Could that’ve been me, if I made a few different life choices?”
I can’t confirm what your identity is for sure. But I can say that there’s at least one other big person (I’m rather overweight, which tends to affect my dysphoria because there’s no hiding these curves 🤷) that experiences something similar, if you want to explore looking up nonbinary identity.
Just wanted to chime in and say you’re absolutely welcome here. This kind of questioning is normal for gender queer people. Like others have said, who you are and who you want to be can only be decided by you.
I had very similar thoughts to yours when I was first coming out to myself. What ended up being very important for me was finding safe ways to explore my gender and what felt the most right. I would do things like shave my legs, or dress up, try some makeup etc. The other really important thing I did was see a gender therapist. It was immensely helpful for me to sort through the scramble my brain was in and really self reflect and see who I was.
I’m sorry you feel scared posting this, I can relate to that 🫂 Beehaw is a safe space though. I hope you can sort through your thoughts and continue to explore your gender. While often hard, the journey I’ve been on has been beautiful and the best thing ive done in my life. You are always welcome here
Welcome friend! Thank you for sharing. There’s no wrong way to be yourself. I don’t identify as trans, so I can’t speak to that question, but what I can do is encourage you to think about what gender expression speaks to you. You get to decide if you’re a man who likes to wear skirts, a woman who likes to dress femme on bottom and masc on top, if your body feels right with a vulva or a penis, or any other combination imaginable! Listen to that small voice, follow your joy to yourself.
Just wanted to say you are brave and I believe it was a good idea to ask around.
I’m so glad you made this post! I’m not an expert, but it sounds like you’re interested in exploring a new or different side of your gender identity or expression.
It’s important to remember that gender exists on a wide spectrum, and there’s no “right” answer about what you should or shouldn’t do, other than what you feel comfortable with or are interested in exploring.
If you have an urge to experiment with dresses and skirts, more power to you! You can take steps towards that by doing it in the comfort of your home or with trusted friends. It will be helpful if you can find a community supporting your journey.
Good luck!
Given something like asktransgender does not exist here yet AFAIK, seems like a pretty good place to ask such questions. You shouldn’t feel shame for wanting to be a woman, but its unfortunately easy to feel that way.
Might also be relevant reading given your mention of the “entertainment material” first:
https://medium.com/@kemenatan/its-just-a-fetish-right-91cb0a4e261Gender does end up feeling very linked to sexuality in complex ways. I’m cis, but my gender presentation definitely varies depending on whether I’m dating a woman or a man.
I had a partner who came out as trans while we were dating: when we got together, she identified as a straight man, but after transitioning, she identified as bi. She said that she couldn’t really feel attracted to men when she was imagining herself as a man, making out with another man, but as a woman, she felt more able to explore that part of her sexuality.
Relatable. Took me forever to realize I wasn’t “technically heterosexual” or “technically cis” because the two interconnected in ways that masked and excused the other. Realizing I was probably ace quickly led to questioning my gender. But questioning my gender has led me back to a bit of questioning if I’m ace or what kind of ace I am…
Im not an expert and im not the best person to talk on this subject. I just stumbled on it and ill do my best.
What you sre attracted to in adult media doesnt make you trans. Its absolutly okay, weither you are male, male to female, female, or female to male, (or other). You can have attraction to any or all points of the spectrum for any point you’re starting from. Its totally fine to be trans and totally fine to be wholeheartedly cisgender and attracted to trans people.
Crossdressing can be absolutly cis-fantasy, as well as trans-fantasy. I totally understand envying women in chothing choice. I hate pants in summer, a skirt would be a much more comfortable choice. But like you said, a skirt is a more feminine look. Are you fantasising about the clothing? The look? Or the femininity?
Luckilly. You can try the clothing in private. If that feels more like the true ‘you,’ make a note. Thats not your answer though. And theres absolutly nothing wrong with being a male who gets satisfaction from womens clothing and not going farther. This is a personal journey for you. Nobody else can walk it for you, but the right friends can walk it with you.
If you still feel like you’re holding back, you need to ask what and why you feel like you’re restricting yourself. If you want to try makeup, you can be a guy who wears makeup. This is where my knowledge lapses, and im sorry, but dont worry about gender stereotypes to do what makes you feel like you. If people dont like it, they didnt like the real you. If you dont tell them who you are, nobody else will. Experimenting doesnt make you trans if you decide you arent trans, but it will make you know yourself better. And wiether you decide you are. Or you arent, you will find the people who love the real you, and youll have a better idea who the real you is.
Heh, gosh, you remind me of me back when I was still trying to figure out my sexuality. I would be absolutely dumbstruck by girls, so I knew I wasn’t gay…at least I was pretty sure? But then I’d also experiment with guys between relationships. I didn’t think of them as cute in the same way, but whenever I saw a gay couple, I’d get terribly nervous and get butterflies and wasn’t sure why. I had these dreams of a white picket fence, kids, a wife…I was worried that for some reason this…part of me that was opaque to me and unsure of that wouldn’t allow me to live happily. I eventually had this really rough coming out. I was trying to date girls because secretly, I was trying to keep my mind off one of my good guy friends who already liked me. I kept meeting girls who just weren’t quite my type, or their personality was just kinda…not great. And he was so beautiful and shiny and loving. We had known each other for years, and he was a wonderful human being. One day he kinda asked me how I felt about him, and I was so caught off guard because in that moment, I realized I was running away from him because I was so so scared of how my life might change if I veered off that path towards the white picket fence to date him. And I panicked and broke down completely when my mom who was visiting stepped into the room minutes later.
And I got a counselor. And he figuratively gripped my cheeks and told me that my life would be the same no matter who I was dating, men, women, nonbinary, whatever. That I could make the life I wanted with anyone, and that their gender wouldn’t change that, or how society saw me. That helped set me free.
I’ve been dating that boy for a year now and my life is so, so much better. I’m happier, I’m not stressed out about it anymore, and I can do what I want. We haven’t gotten married yet, but he’s interested in having kids and that white picket fence. I think things are gonna go well :)
