WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
That is an amazing ending.
For real. That did it for me 😂
“This isn’t trashy enough to be a story about her.”
gets to end
“There we go.”
Finishing on her tits costs extra
Man I hate to even joke about this but
I’m offended
She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions…
You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?
If you’ve ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you’d realize your theory is close than you think. But I’d go 5, not 6…
FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.
I’m from Georgia. Grew up around too many examples. They always think really highly of themselves too.
Obligatory Flight of the Conchords:
Yeah
Looking 'round the room I can tell that you Are the most beautiful girl in the room In the whole wide room (ooh)
And when you’re on the street Depending on the street I bet you are definitely in the top three
“you’re a legend, Dave”
Ikr
I’m just upset I don’t live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.
The offer was for a handjob, actually.
Meh, well I’ll take what I can get.
Give me a Bobert in the Expendables 4 theater lol
i thought turning Lewinsky into a verb was a bit unfair, but with Boebert im all for it
The difference is that she is, herself, a public political figure. Lewinsky was not.
I didn’t even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article
They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol
You got onioned
The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.
I mean, the new job isn’t working out; might as well go back to the old one.
God she’s hot! I am into dumb MILFs.
Don’t stick your dick in crazy
Lol true
No, you can. Just don’t give crazy your real name and number
She’s not really my type, but, if she tried to jerk me off at Beetlejuice and tried to follow me back to my room and my wife allowed it and she weren’t such a shit heel, I wouldn’t kick her out.
(I do want to comment about the picture being the standard “porn orifice” thing. Someone spent time picking that frame)
I refuse to apologize for being a MILF-man.
GILF, though.
She looks like a very selfish lover though. Probably licks it a couple times while making a face, and calls it a blowie.
This one had to be printed and strategically placed in the congressional cloakrooms
You know it’s bad when you come from /c/all and think this is real before realizing this is the Onion. A bit offensive, really.
Has she accounted for optimal tip to tip efficiency?
Like my mother always said, if she’s willing to open with that you could probably negotiate your way up to a blowjob just by acting skeptical.
She’s morraly reprehensible, but if she wants to fiddle with my gristle stick I won’t stop her.
Gristle stick. That’s a new one for me.
Damn y’all is THIRSTY!
Guilty as charged. She’s both terrible, and terribly sexy. I’m ashamed but nonetheless here we are.
Edit: I appreciate the cover, but you guys are overestimating my standards.
It’s the jizz guard glasses. Your mind is playing tricks on you by superimposing her kinda ugly mug on unto the extensive catalog of porn stored in your memory.
I’ll eat that onion!
… and probably her ass.
I’m pretty sure that’s how you get new and horrifying diseases.
She’s got that Congressional healthcare now, you’re good fam.
Yes, she does, we don’t.
That’s up to $20 worth of value free!
Psh, speak for yourself I’m definitely still charging her full price.
Honestly, this is the best Onion headline I’ve seen in a while
